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All right, bitches, here’s what it is: you’re at the club, neggin’ on some hot piece of vagina, and you think it’s going pretty well so you whip out your pocket watch for the ol’ hypnosis trick (classic), but all of a sudden that bitch is all “Aw, HELLS to the NAW, those nails be SKANKY.”

And you go to bed and you crysterbate yourself to sleep but BOOM, it’s 2013. That means you’ve got to be all girly and shit if you want to be a man. Did we just BLOW YOUR MIND? What? That sounds “confusing”? You just OVERTHOUGHT it. Thinking’s for FAGS. There’s only one brain you need to engage, and that’s your BALLS.

ALPHANAILS male nail armour for manly men who do shaving and sex in all the good ways! It ain’t your grandaddy’s nail polish. You’re not some backwoods prospector, dude. You’re not your grandaddy. You can’t be walking around with those nails like they are. You’re a twenty first century stud. ALPHANAILS! You should totally wear it. Colour those nails.

What’s that? you need REASONS to wear ALPHANAILS? Pff. Whatever, here are some reasons then, you pussy.

SEX: GET MORE OF IT

Sex! Are we right? Sex! Are you having enough sex? Are you on the business end of some PRIMO FELLATIO right now? Right now while you read this? Are you swinging your dingus all up in those cheeks? Are you having ENOUGH SEX? Don’t even answer that. The answer is no, you are not having enough sex. Have more sex. ALPHANAILS! Nail armour! Grr! Shaving! Just imagine what you could be with alphanails! Imagine: a MAN. No, do NOT imagine a man! NOT LIKE THAT! NEVER think about a man like that! Women! Boobs! Sex! Animal noises!

BOOBS ARE AWESOME

Let’s get real: you like boobs. You want to see MORE BOOBS. Rreal talk, bro. And we don’t mean “more” like surface area, we mean more like quantity. That means NO FAT CHICKS, Erwin Brodinger. That’s the GOLDEN RULE. Don’t break the golden rule, Broseph Goebbels. ALPHANAILS nail armour: protect yourself against the ONSLAUGHT OF TITTIES bearing down on you like the tienanmen square tanks.

ROCK HARD

That CAME OUT WRONG. We don’t know if you’re hard. don’t tell us about your erections, you gaylord. We meant it in the sense of “rock” the VERB, not “rock” as the MODIFIER of the noun “hard”. As in: you are ROCKING THAT NAIL ARMOUR, DUDE. The only thing stopping you rocking our faces off our faces right now is ALL THE BOOBS you are touching. They have formed an impenetrable shield of flesh. How can one man touch SO MANY BOOBS? Teach us your ways. Teach us how to rock.

PEACOCKING: DO THAT THING

The BRIGHTEST FEATHERS get the TAIL! Peacock the SHIT out of that bitch. Peacock has the word “COCK” in it. There is LITERALLY NOTHING MANLIER than that. It’s science! No FEMALE can argue with SCIENCE! You lay down that science and boom! An EXPLOSION OF ORGASMS! And then… silence. As the dust settles a light breeze nudges its way into your man-cave and whispers in your ear: “alphanails.” (ALPHANAILS!)

YOU’LL LOOK GREAT, BRO, BUT NOT IN A GAY WAY

We know what you’re thinking because of the man-telepathy (TELEMANPATHY) that connects ALL MEN. It is “ARGH!” and “what if people think I am some kind of QUEER-BUMMER” and “GOD DAMN I am so angry that people think I am a GAY-MO-SEXUAL that I think I might just smash this here boulder.” We know, right? What kind of homo would wear nail varnish? NOKIND OF HOMO, that’s what kind of homo. We’re in the business of NAIL ARMOUR, son. ALPHANAILS! Those fingers will take a fucking BULLET by the time we’re through.

SMASH TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES LIKE YOU’RE GERMAINE MOTHERFUCKING BUTLER OR WHATEVER, BUT IF GERMAINE BUTLER WAS ALSO THE INCREDIBLE HULK

YOU decide which DISCRETE and POLAR fucking GENDER you are going to produce, perform and fucking SUSTAIN. So be the BEST gender: be a MAN, you QUEER.

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About Work In Prowess

Work in Prowess does not promise to make you thin or improve your sex life or convince you that an avocado-based diet is the most practical form of action. It just wants to make you smile. That’s really as deep as it goes.

Contact

For any and all editorial inquiries please contact Caroline O'Donoghue the site editor.