I want to talk to you today about robots.
There’s a moment in the first episode of the show Community where hero and husky-headed gentleman Joel McHale says the following:
“I can pick up a pencil, tell you it’s name of Steve, and then go like this-”
McHale snaps the pencil in half.
“..and part of you dies.”
This is how I feel about robots.
There are two things that everyone knows about robots.
First thing: they are not human. They are the antithesis to human. They do not feel, or love, or attach emotional significance to seemingly irrelevant things like dachshunds or throw pillows or dachshunds again. They do not think that Anne Hathaway’s performance in Les Miserables was overwrought, or that Hugh Jackman’s singing voice is actively unpleasant to the human ear. They do not care about Duncan’s great list. There is no “think”. There is no “care”.
Here is the second thing we know about robots: they are our best friends, and probably, the best thing ever, ever, ever, ever.
A few days ago I watched the movie Robot and Frank, and fell apart on the inside. If you have nothing going on tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day, then I highly recommend that you watch Robot and Frank tonight and every night for the rest of your life. Here’s the trailer:
The working title for this movie was Richard Nixon and the DeathBots.
I think I should have a robot. I think everyone should. I think as soon a we all get on this, the happier we’ll all be.
I think our robots should only have names that a butler or valet could conceivably have. Like Alfred or Stephen or Django. I think our robots should have a day off, every month, to do what our robot wants. I think most of the time, our robots will ask us if they can go to the cinema on their day off, and they will ask if we will go with them. Not because they can’t go alone – robots are allowed everywhere – but because our robot is our best friend.
Our robot wants to spend time with us. Our robots have a deep-seeded resentment of household pets. This will never be mentioned, only alluded to. Our robots will not be those creepy robots that look like people. They will look like robots.
How tall are our robots? Three feet. Do our robots have faces? Yes.
What’s our robot’s favourite video game? Time Crisis.
Robots. Robots, robots!
Posted by Caroline O'Donoghue
Caroline is the editor of Work in Prowess. She is a recovering smoker, a relentless paddy and the author of all of those pesky emails you've been receiving. Find her on twitter @Czaroline .