Every year on the 31st October, pagans like to celebrate “Halloween”, a holiday named after and celebrating the 1978 crime thriller film Halloween. Though it may sound distasteful, hosting a Halloween bash has – for some reason or other – become an important social ritual and thus one which must be undertaken with rigorous attention to detail.

The good news is, a successful party is the perfect way to show off your home and husband (if you don’t have a husband, you’ll want to read our handy guide) and will quickly gain you friends and admirers. “What a bash that was,” your guests will say. “Did you see the wainscoting? And what about that husband?”

Of course, it’s no mean feat pulling off the perfect party, particularly if you’re a first time hostess. But fear not – help is on its way in the form of this easy-to-follow guide.

That Perfect Costume

Before you do anything, it’s vital to choose a costume.

A Halloween party is the perfect opportunity to let your hair down, put on some rouge and pull up your hemline by two to three inches. Bear in mind, of course, that while your own costume will cover eighty to ninety percent of your skin, many young ladies will use a Halloween bash as an excuse to bare their nipples, clavicles, lower knees, bottoms and possibly even nether holes. [N.B. Please be on the lookout for this. An exposed anus can quickly sour the party atmosphere.]

On Halloween it is commonly acknowledged that there are three categories of costume to choose from:

- Scary: Unmarried Great Uncle, Doctor with small hands, Reverend, Mother
- Humourous: Milkman, Flesh-eating clown, “Gored” Vidal, Dead cousin Anne
- Sexy: Attractive Paediatric Nurse, Myrna Loy, Albert Einstein’s Wife, Mother’s Ghost

Choose an outfit that suits your personality best and get to work. This is where your craft room will come into good use. Don’t forget to raid your silk ribbon drawer, pile of soiled pillowcases, box of hair and lead paint collection when you’re putting the finishing touches to that costume.

Food & Drink

Remember that Halloween is a day of fright. Your guests actively want to be confronted with their own mortality when they enter your home. So don’t shy away from the terrifying details! The first step is finding out the allergies of every person who is attending. Once you’ve done that, prepare appropriate, tailor-made snacks for each person that’ll get them reaching for their epi-pens…when they’ve stopped laughing of course!

As for drinks, follow this simple recipe for an intoxicating “Blood Punch”:

- Mix two litres of grape juice and two litres of cherry juice
- Add corn syrup and red food colouring
- Pour in a gallon of fresh pig’s blood
- Add lightly whisked egg whites
- Heat to body temperature
- Serve with a pearl onion garnish

Deck the Hall(oween)s

The key with decorating for Halloween is that less is more.

Lay down some plastic sheeting (source this from your local abattoir) and then go about placing the following around your home: skinned grapes, cooked spaghetti, beef hearts, lambs kidneys, dried-out bones. You can find a great selection of bones at your local boneyard or family crypt. Daub your walls with goat blood and for the finishing touches, hang some parma ham bunting and decorate varnished surfaces with tripe doilies [N.B. If you can’t afford parma ham you can use pressed spam].

And of course, no Halloween party would be complete without a carved pumpkin, or “Jack O’ Lantern”. Simply buy a pumpkin, hollow it out, carve a familiar corpse’s face into the front and put a lit candle inside. At some point in the evening, you can invite your guests to partake in the traditional pumpkin smashing.

It’s Party Time!

On the day of the bash, it’s a good idea to get yourself into what is known as the party “mood” or “frenzy”. Don’t be afraid to get a little crazy. Instead of bathing at 6.15 try bathing at 6.30. Drink root beer for breakfast instead of juice. Shut your hand in the door of the fridge several times and hoover the house naked from the waist down.

Periodically throughout the day you can also give your husband little frights. Try telling him you’re pregnant again, that you’ve been out of the house or that you accidentally ironed the creases out of his favourite slacks. He’ll laugh and laugh when he realises the joke.

When your guests arrive, ask your husband to answer the door and hide in a hallway closet or conveniently positioned box. As your guests pass by, leap from the closet or box and shout at them very loudly in their faces. Good phrases to use are “Happy Halloween!”, “Trick or Treat!” or “I am the face of Death”.

From then on, just relax and let everyone enjoy themselves. And, when the party is really getting going, set fire to the house, strip naked and dance before the flames. Just wait until you see the looks on your guests’ faces! Priceless.